Why High-Achievers and “Strong Folks” Hold Themselves Back From the Growth and Change They Deserve
In a healthy relationship, two people ideally meet as two “whole” individuals sharing an abundance. However, many find themselves in what I call a Deficit-Driven Relationship. This is a bond where one or both partners feel their needs are perpetually unmet, their voices unheard, and their core selves unknown.
What begins as a mild, nagging discontent often escalates over 9 to 12 months into a high-intensity quest for change. But when that change doesn’t come, the air becomes thick with a tension you could cut with a knife.
The Executive Summary:
- The Problem: High-achievers often mistake “endurance” for “success” in relationships.
- The Framework: Apply Janet Young’s “Start Small, Think Big, Move Fast” strategy to emotional health.
- The Goal: Move from a “Deficit-Driven” bond to an “Abundance-Driven” life.
The Anatomy of the Deficit
In these dynamics, the “basics” of friendship and trust become strained. There is rarely a physical betrayal; instead, there is a chronic emotional disappointment.
You hear the echoes of: “I can’t do anything right,” or “Every conversation turns into a shouting match.” Conflicts arise, but they are never “put to bed.” They simply hibernate until the next spark.
Why Do We Stay in the Hunger?
For the successful professional, the decision to stay in an unhappy relationship is often a paradox. You are logically sound and professionally excellent, yet you remain “emotionally hungered out.” Why?
The “Success” Fallacy: If you are built to succeed, you feel you aren’t built to break. Admitting a relationship isn’t working feels like a failure of your “strategic planning” or your character.
Sunk Cost Fallacy: Many cite the “time already invested” as a reason to invest even more. In economics and psychology, we call this the Sunk Cost Bias—the idea that we must continue an endeavor because of past resources spent, even if the future outlook is bleak.
The Illusion of the “Promising Starter”: We fall in love with the potential (the starter) and ignore the reality (the non-starter). We cling to the version of the person we saw in the first three months, hoping they will reappear.
Fear of the Void: Beneath the professional excellence often lies a primitive fear of being alone or the grief of dismantling a life you worked hard to build.
The “Family of Origin” Trap: Beneath the fear of the void, we often find a persistent reliance on the “bad cards” dealt in childhood. It is common for partners to cite trauma or neglect from their family of origin as a permanent justification for their current behavior.
While these experiences are often legitimately horrible, there comes a point of “psychological adulthood” where we must realize:
We are now the ones holding the cards!
Professional excellence in the workplace usually requires us to take extreme ownership; yet, in deficit-driven relationships, many successful people revert to a childlike state of powerlessness. They use their past as a shield against the reality that they are now grown, they have choices, and they are responsible for the environment they choose to remain in. Using the past as an excuse for a current “non-starter” only ensures that the trauma of the past dictates the vacuum of the future.
Theoretical Perspectives: Why the Gridlock?
Two psychological theories often explain this “hard-headed” refusal to let go:
Object Relations Theory: Developed by pioneers like Melanie Klein and Ronald Fairbairn, this theory suggests we may be subconsciously seeking a partner who recreates a “deficit” from our past, hoping that this time, we can finally “fix” it and get the validation we never received.
Cognitive Dissonance: Coined by Leon Festinger, this concept explains that to admit our partner is a “wonderful human being” who simply sees life differently—and thus cannot meet our needs—creates a painful tension. It is easier to stay and fight to change them than to accept the reality of incompatibility.
Moving Forward: Start Small, Think Big, Act Fast — Practical Wisdom from UOB’s Janet Young
I was recently inspired by a keynote from Janet Young at the UOB Womenpreneurs event in Singapore, where she spoke about the strategic power of a specific mindset: “Start small, think big, and move fast.” While originally shared in the context of entrepreneurship, this philosophy is the exact antidote needed for a deficit-driven relationship. To break the gridlock, you must apply these three steps with professional precision, as the path out isn’t through more “negotiation” of the basics; it is through a shift in strategy:
Start Small: Reclaim your self-worth from the hands of your partner. Stop making your value dependent on the validation of someone who sees life differently. Find small, daily ways to meet your own needs for respect and peace.
Think Big: Look at the landscape of your life. Is this “high-stress environment” the soil in which you want to spend the next ten years? Acknowledge that “peacefully uncoupling” is not a failure; it is a transition to a more fertile environment for your future growth.
Act Fast: Once the internal realization hits that the relationship is a “non-starter,” the “fast” action isn’t necessarily a physical exit today, but a fast internal decision. Stop the “long discussions with friends” that lead nowhere. Decide today that you will no longer negotiate for the “basics.”
Final Thought
We often hold on because we are unwilling to admit that others have the right not to want what we esteem. Acceptance is the antidote to the deficit. It’s not “giving up;” rather, it is allowing yourself to fly out of the open cage and set yourself free. When we stop demanding that a desert provide us with water, we finally give ourselves permission to go find a well.
