Let me ask you a question: Where is Home? Is it where you live, and where your Hermes bag, Gucci shoes, and Apple gadgets are housed and luxury cars are parked? Where your cell phone buzzes? Or where your heart and soul reside? Same place, separate spheres? You tell me. How do you know? I tell you.
Pen and Paper Time: Kindly get out a pen and paper before moving forward… sorry, I am so demanding … but please answer the question: “Where is home?” first for yourself.
Why? No one else can do it for you; no doctor, lawyer, colleague, coach, or psychologist. Depending on their level of self-awareness, they will well- meaningly suggest different responses to you but, ultimately, they return to their own dwelling grounds not to yours. Hence the answer resides within you alone.
Please be your own best friend in the process. Best friend? Yes, it takes a good friend to tell the truth. There is no wrong or right answer to where home is; just jot down what is your truth at this very moment and remember there are many passages – like pages in a book or stops on a cruise – on the journey back home.
“Human beings are poor examiners, subject to superstition, bias, prejudice, and a profound tendency to see what they want to see rather than what is really there.” ― M. Scott Peck, (1978)
In a world that offers us everything (material that is), we adopt the mindset that we are what we own, what we have. The more the better, right? We depend on outside goods, opinions, and validation to fill up our insides, to make us whole and to make us feel good. We believe happiness is the way and we are expecting mostly green lights, and accumulation of precious goods gets us there. Material possessions are the Gods of the Modern World; the one stop quick fix. They are much like Botox and liquid face lifts but with an even shorter expiration date—generally minutes, hours, or if we are lucky, they last several days. They offer reward for hard work, or consolation during life’s disappointments, frustrations, and losses. They are outward symbols of achievements, of having arrived, yet, why do we continue hurting on the inside? Yes, material possessions, the one stop fix, if they were just to have a lasting effect.
Pen and Paper Time again: What are your favorite or usual quick fixes and rewards? What’s their satisfaction expiration date generally speaking?
The uncanny truth is that material possessions never fill the void inside of us for very long. Otherwise, we would have stopped buying and accumulating long ago! Our focus on goods is a distraction, an avoidance that many of us cling to through decades of our lives; material possessions are initially pleasant and rewarding—until the bill arrives (though money is irrelevant for some who made plenty and yet cannot buy illusive happiness)—yet they are impermanent.
The fleeting satisfaction of material possessions leads ultimately to deep-seated disappointment and to the repetition of a potentially life-long frustrating cycle: Acquiring more outside goods to patch up our inner longing for peace, belonging, and wholeness. It’s the battle of the ego against the soul.
Pen and Paper Time again: Have you experienced that initial high followed by emptiness (e.g., after completing your entire home project or after buying that “new toy”)? What was it like? And, what was the antidote?
Dr Wayne Dyer (2025) beautifully defines the ego, as “the false idea of believing that you are what you have or what you do” and the soul, as “that inner quiet place that is yours to consult. It will always guide you in the right direction.”
While the ego is insatiable, strives constantly for more, and loves distractions and accumulations, the soul aims for peace and equilibrium. A well-balanced life integrates the outside-focused and outside- facing ego with the wise master of our inner tranquility, the soul. To create a balanced life is an active process and many of us must learn to encounter and access that treasure within. The grandmaster called soul already resides within us as a reliable compass that was muted for a long time. How come? It requires quiet time to focus, it entails taking responsibility for our choices, and it demands problem solving and the acknowledgement that life is difficult but that despite its challenges it’s still worth- while living. It asks us to feel the emotional pain (so scary for many) before we experience happiness.
“It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.”
― M. Scott Peck (1978)
How to go about it—how to choose the soul path? Step by step, we can learn to be aware of our own feelings, we can learn to observe and watch ourselves from what I refer to with my patients and clients as the eagle perspective. Distance helps to take a broader lens. It delays response time. Ultimately it teaches us to choose our responses carefully. Only then can we start to live a soul-directed life instead of being inattentively pulled down the old-trodden ego path of accumulation. The soul path equals sustainability aka balance; the ego path equals endless striving. It requires patience and compassion with self and others; it requires discipline to integrate the ego with the soul, for the ego brought much innovation and progress but, when not directed by the soul, it brings despair, excess, and disappointment often expressed as symptoms of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.
“The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behavior lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequences of that behavior.”
― M. Scott Peck (1978)
Pen and Paper Time for the last time again: What are you willing to do starting now to choose your soul- path? Thank you for being here and doing the work.
In closing, here are some tips to explore your soul-path. And along the way of the soul-path you shall discover the home within again. Be patient! Be kind, as “the journey is essential to the dream,” (St. Francis of Assisi, n.d.).
Five Tips to Find Your Way Home: BOLEH (a Malay language term meaning CAN/TO BE ABLE)
Become an old tree: A yoga analogy for getting grounded and balanced is being an old tree. Let’s practice it daily in the morning and evening for five to six minutes. Let’s recall it when we feel unbalanced throughout the day; make it our go- to for reflective, peaceful, and stressful times. Here it goes: Imagine your feet extending deeply in the ground and see your roots taking hold. You are an integral and unique element of the world, the universe. Feel yourself getting anchored deep inside the ground. You are focused, balanced, and aware. Storms will come and pass—you may lose a few branches, tremble, or fracture your trunk but your roots and hence you—the old tree connected to the universe – remains grounded. You are profoundly aware that the dark will pass, and light shall appear while you remain deeply grounded. Stay on the soul-path: Rain or shine!
Opposite Action: In the middle of the perfect storm, we generally revert to our old behavior patterns. They are quasi-automized; hence do not expect to be perfect at opposite actions for a while. We are not about perfection; we are about change— little by little. Opposite action means having the awareness in times of distress to tune into our feelings, gently talk to ourselves, and calm ourselves down before we go into automation. If you are generally dealing with frustration by shopping online or in-store or acting out—opposite action is first do no harm: Remove yourself from the situation (e.g., computer or phone for online shopping). Take a deep breath: Remind yourself you are an old tree; now go for a walk or a workout. If you have a dog or companion animal, attend to your furry friend—they know how to relax. Otherwise, negotiate with yourself or an accountability partner who will help you to delay any action for 30 minutes at a time. See if after 30, 60, 90, or 120 minutes you still feel the strong need to shop. If you can delay for 24 hours, do so. The urge will reduce, and your strength will grow.
Learn to be mindful: In his impactful book, Wherever you go there you are, John Kebat-Zinn (1994) discusses how mindfulness means being aware and, in the moment, which can assist us to live a balanced and meaningful life. That makes sense and the message is twofold: Only when you are in the moment can you consciously act, react, or not engage as needed and most beneficial to your balanced state of mind. The here and now creates your future so better be present as the past is long gone. Secondly, wherever you are—you always carry yourself with you—hence there you go! You can’t leave yourself behind (even though you may want to). Let’s try this simple exercise: Your mind is active and wanders—hence don’t be surprised about it. When you wash your dishes—do it on purpose. In practice this might mean speaking out loud to yourself initially, then quietly—foam on, foam off. When you dry your dishes and put them away follow the script, verbalize what you do. You will notice that your mind is wandering. When that happens gently acknowledge it; like, “Oh, side tracking; or oh, judging; or oh, worrying”; and then gently bring your mind and thoughts back to the present moment. You can implement that same mindfulness exercise when walking or working. It will help you to stay connected with the present and with yourself. You will soon notice mindfulness empowers you to live a more meaningful and goal- directed life.
Elect Peace: Just for today, choose peace. There will always be pressures or timelines looming, and something will claim it needs to be done. In your ego’s eyes, there may always be someone smarter, prettier, more successful, younger, or better off. Thoughts and feelings of discontent will never change anything about your position in life, about who you are, and where you like to go. On the contrary, these thoughts and feelings diminish your positive outlook and hold you back. Replace complaints with gratitude for what you have, even for the challenges you encounter. Why? Gratitude is a powerful and kind remedy leading the way to peace and acceptance. Legend attributes the famous proverb, “Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken,” to Oscar Wilde. It is a powerful reminder of the reality that we are all unique and different. The analogy I share with my patients and clients is that about cars. You may be a perfect Fiat Panda, small, cute, compact, and efficient, but you envy the Jaguar: Spacious, illusive, and beautifully proportioned. Well, get it straight, you will never be a Jaguar, but you can be the best Fiat Panda and maintain that Fiat Panda and keep it going, polish and shine it — and love it! That’s you, that’s authentic. See, a Jaguar has the same issues as a Fiat Panda, both cars hit potholes along the journey of life, and need maintenance! Do yourself and be yourself, give the same freedom to others, and wish them well along the journey of life. Choosing peace means to keep your inner temperature well-adjusted in the midst of outside tropical heat or a winter storm. That’s enough to take care of. Start practicing today!
Honor Yourself: If you owe anybody anything then it’s being honest with yourself. Be your own best friend. Look at your life, acknowledge that all the things and situations in your life are yours to handle—take responsibility! You may not have brought on all the problems you are facing, and you may have not invited them into your life—that includes people, jobs, monetary commitments, relationships, family and friend drama, loss, health issues and all sorts of situations that irritate you. But here they are. Hence, acknowledge and address what’s on your plate. Little by little. One step at a time. Do yourself a favor: Choose to be honest with yourself. See life for what it is – a changing tapestry of colorful situations – and realize whatever you change today will look different soon. Your attitude and actions today create your future. Be self-aware, be honest, and love yourself.
Thank you for taking these first steps. We are all in this together. Welcome on the road less travelled… our journey back home!
References
Dyer, W. W. 2025, October 22). Dr. Wayne W. Dyer Blog. The Ego Illusion. https://www.drwaynedyer.com/blog/the-ego-illusion/
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion
Peck, M. S. (1978). The road less traveled: A new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth. Simon & Schuster.
